I am back

Posted in 1 on August 26, 2008 by colorfulshadow

 Hey there old and new friends… I AM BACK, I know that I have said that a many times before, but this time I am hopeing that it WILL work 😀

well this is just to declear that I am back, a new post about my last London trip, it was FANTASTIC

What defines me?

Posted in words, feelings and emotions on April 10, 2008 by colorfulshadow

There is an old Arabic social rule, that says that if you want to know the reality of a person, you have to look at his/her friends, and for the last few years I have strongly been against that, because my closest circle of friends are so different, they all have different life styles, different principles and believes, but in the last few months, I have gotten the chance to look into my own personality, and reflect on my life and history, and it was quite shocking.

My life really started to become personally productive when I was 18, and I have noticed that most of my achievements are in some way related to my friends. I might be against changing your own personality for the sake of others, but the changing that has been in my personality due to my friends is not actually for their sake, but they have influenced me in a way, and I prefer thinking of it as they have helped me and guided me, while I keep the full control on the changes, in other more simple words, the changes has happened out of conviction, but the conviction took place by the knowledge I gained from interacting with my closest friends.

And considering the fact that I am proud of the person I am, and how I have developed, I here by send my greeting and thanks to all my closest friends.

 

Here is a list of some of  the closest of closest of my friends (in no specific order) :

  Monther the resourceful : My friendship with Monther is old,  he is very resourceful, have been an important source of information in different fields. One of the things I like most of our relation is the ‘zero formality’ way of communication, but at the same time, we have never gotten into an insulting or disrespectful event, I actually can not remember any time when we had some kind of fight or something.

Kathrin the supportive : This is a girl that have showed me true unselfishness, some times it is really hard to believe that this kind of a person can really exist in this world that is full of wars and evil.

 

Aseel the warm hearted : I might not have hanged out that much with Aseel, but some of my most warm memories are joining her for ice creams after lectures. She has a golden aura that you can’t help yourself being touched by, just seeing her smile and being around her can lift your spirit a million mile up in the sky, just remembering her can re-give you a lot of hope.

 

Omar the quick changing: here is a guy I can relate to in his personal life, he was similar to the way I was about 8 years ago, and changed into how I was 4 years ago, and all that in a few months, he truly gave me a wake up call when I needed it. Our conversations were simple but enjoyable.

        Kloude the magnificent: My dragon girl, some one I do truly love, some one who have made my belief system stand strong, she did motivate me to remain myself, even when it is against all the rest of society. She is a living proof that maturity and age has nothing to do with each other.

Maha the lovable:  This is my own Princess from Yaman, a very social girl, that I have so many memories with, the fun we have had is priceless. Maha have helped me realize that friendship is one of the most precious treasures we can have.

Ahmad Khfash the philosophically knowledgeable:  I have never had as much fun debating as when I debated with Ahmad, I would prefer skipping a very important lecture, or even an exam to be able to debate with him for another half hour, he could really make my day. He is very informed and has read a lot of books, so he is very wise. I must admit that he has really given me some extremely good  advice in time of needs, which have helped me through difficult times.

 

Joanna the most beautiful : Her beauty is beyond description, just as my love towards her, but beauty is not her only feature, she is smart, intelligent, and thoughtful. Her writing style is full of emotions and can make any cold hearted person melt into a puddle of feelings. I consider Joanna one of 3 people that are so close to me that I no longer consider them other people but instead they have become just a part of the individual ‘me’.

Isabel the youth hearted : here is another person of the 3 super close ones, one who have been my light in darkness. She is my proof the feeling and behavior of youth does not need to go away with the passing of years, and that childness can survive in the heart and bring joy when it is needed.

 

 

Mark the wild : the last of the special 3 people, he really defines the madness and craziness in me. He is a very wild person, and ever changing. He is the balance in the unity of us 4. He is a bit beyond explanation though.

 

Desperate need to find HOME

Posted in Words of Philosophy, logic and wisdom, words, feelings and emotions on March 12, 2008 by colorfulshadow

    Home is where the heart is, or at least thats what they say. But what is the meant by the word ‘heart’? Is it the manifestation of the body, the mushy organ that pumps blood to our veins? Is it the manifestation of the soul,  the special part of us that makes each of us unique? Or is it manifestation of the mind, that dwells and sculpts our emotions? Perhaps its not any of those, and perhaps it’s a mix of all of them.

    The more I think about it, logically, philosophically, emotionally or in any other way, it just seems fit to consider it a mix of the three, even though it does make it more complicated, and too be honest, it makes things seem hopeless in a strange way.

     But if indeed the heart that decides where ‘home’ is, is actually the manifestation of the body, mind and soul, which are in my belief suppose to be in a continues dynamic balance, but at the same time fight each other for more attention, power and superiority, then it should be totally natural for every person to KNOW, FEEL, and SENCE where home is.

    Just so no one misunderstands what I mean with ‘home’, I am not referring to the building in which  person sleeps, eats and so on, I am talking about the place that brings unexplained feeling of attachments to peace and belonging.

    Why am I writing about this ‘home’ concept? Well the answer is simple, though I am sure that some part of me has always searching for this home, but now I have gotten to a new stage in my life, where I have actually come to be aware of this search, need and desire for it.

  

    I won’t make this article long, but just thought that I should make some kind of log of this stage to make it more real. Well I still have no idea, how to look for it, where, and don’t even know any possible elements in this thing that I am hunting for, so any ideas, suggestions or comments will be highly appreciated, waiting you emails.

                     Yours trually

Wednsday 12th of March 2008

Posted in Journals on March 12, 2008 by colorfulshadow

     Its been a while since I last posted a page in this Journal, but I had a really good reason, after too long time, I finally accepted the fact that I needed to step back from life for a moment and double check all possibilities and circumstances, which I did, I stepped back totally from life, retreated to a place I would not be disturbed, and did not need to think or worry about any of the daily issues. And I am happy to say that it was very successful, and I came out of the experience with a lot of useful conclusions.

    Any way, there isn’t much I can write today, because there wasn’t much that took place in the last days, for all my time was simply used to think, analyze, make scenarios, and reach conclusions, and unfortunately all of these things are too privet to write here.

   Any way, next week I am hoping that I’ll be able to start looking for a job, I also need to find some practical solutions for a few other daily life stuff, because the stander ways of doing it seems to have become too unpractical, and therefore it would be stupid to continue wasting time with it.

    But if everything goes as planned then soon enough there will be a lot to write about here, fingers crossed

Sunday March 4’th 2008

Posted in Journals on March 4, 2008 by colorfulshadow

Sunday March 4’th 2008       Today started out very nice, even though over slept a bit, but I woke up on a really nice and shinny sun outside, there are some clouds up in the sky, but they are white and fluffy, so I am in a good mood compared to how I have been in the last few days.   I have finally started to feel a bit home in the new apartment, and I guess when I get to the part where I’ll add some of my own decoration touches I’ll even feel more home. Yesterday, I was going through the town, passing by different shops, and I found a lot of stuff I would love to buy, like Arabic written poem pictures, and other stuff that you usually see in the decoration of MOST houses back in Jordan, and if I had a few thousand Crowns, I would have come home loaded with stuff, but the only thing that I bought is a set of golden Arabic tea cops, a very typical ‘‘sinia’’ and a cover for it, so at least now I can serve normal tea with mint and cinnamon.  I don’t know why that I am getting more nervous these days, because I am getting more used to the life here, and things are actually going quite good. And being nervous without knowing the reason can be very irritating, as if I don’t have enough stuff irritating me.  The last 3 days, my mind have been over active with ideas about things I would like to write, so I have been spending a lot of time typing, and till now I have written about 12 different ‘articles’, ranging from my good/bad feelings, American presidential campaign,  to my thoughts and philosophy about life, but I am not really happy with the writing style I used, so I guess they will remain for my eyes only. With a life full of problems that need my attention to get solved, I must admit that the only thing that really passes by my mind while I am laying in bed trying to sleep, is how much I miss my best friends, I honestly do not know how I’ll stay optimistic with this limited communication with them, so therefore on the top of my priority list –right below getting a job- is finding a way of either meeting up with them, or have more communication with them. Well at least I got Mark visiting me now and then, better then nothing I guess ( just kidding Mark, you know I love you).

Dead, Alive, or not-alive ???

Posted in Words of Philosophy, logic and wisdom on February 28, 2008 by colorfulshadow

Let me apologize in advance  for a lot of playing with words and expressions in this post, but I am aware that every reader will have a different idea and definition of the expressions, and some of those definitions will be opposite of each other, so I am trying to cover as much ground as possible.

   Allow me to give you 2 definitions which I used to write this article, and please put them under consideration when you are trying to understand what I mean here, but also feel free to your own definitions, so that you might have much more food for thoughts to go through.

 First, ‘’being alive’’ in this post means breathing, eating and the physical stuff.

Second, ‘having a life’’ means to have a real serious goal which you consider whenever you are making your plans and decisions . that being said, I hope you enjoy and benefit from this post… 

Lately my life has lost its productivity and essence, -don’t ask how or what I actually mean, just humor me for the moment-, and due to this lose, I have been starting to wonder if its still worth living? or is there any difference between Being alive and having a life, if there is, then what is the difference, and how many people on earth are alive, and how many have a life?

How many people deserve being alive? If they don’t deserve being alive they why are they? I asked that last question to a friend, and he said that they are alive so they the eco-balance won’t be destroyed. Interesting, is not? The Eco-balance…I’ll go with that for a moment, OK lets say they we destroyed a whole mountain, won’t that destroy the eco-balance? Does that make that mountain equally alive to all those millions of people I spoke of before?

Are we alive so that we can have a life, or do we have a life so that we can be alive ? can we even say that one of those two statements are more correct then the other??  If we say that the first is more correct, that that might indicate that we consider those who had their lives destroyed due to no fault of their own, less worthy of being alive. If we say the 2’nd is more correct than isn’t that an indication that suicide is after all, a right and acceptable choice

where I am now

Posted in words, feelings and emotions on February 27, 2008 by colorfulshadow

I am sitting here alone, there is no place to go, so I thought perhaps I should write, for writing has always showed me ways to open closed doors…

Where is the logic for things to be so messed up? Is there logic for the feeling that I should give up and change the way I am?  I am after all, the only thing I have ever truly owned, so where is the justice when I am asked to give it away? Will I be satisfied if I reveal the pain, or tell about how I feel inside and explain? I have tried this and that, but the rope around my neck is still there.

They told me that it will take time, but time have passed, and for every moment of sun shine, I suffer hours of storm.Everything seems so wrong… not long time ago I thought I was starting to see things clear, but again , I WAS DEAD WRONG!

To fantasize about living one of my dreams are a luxury I can no longer afford, not at night time or day, because if I do, I will soon be woken up, and then what will I find?… yes, I will find the nightmare, that is nothing less nor more then my reality.

Hard to believe that it was me who spoke and wrote these words, what has happened to my mind, and most importantly, WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY SOUL???

Well anyway, perhaps there is no better time then NOW to say good bye, or am I again wrong…